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| I'll always be just another notch on someone's belt... | | |
| WARNING: This blog is going to be Steven venting about shit you're all tired of hearing.
I've fucked up my life again.
For the first time in 5 years, i actually felt HAPPY... and i regret every minute of it. I was learning to survive without "needing" anyone. I had turned my heart to stone. I had suppressed most natural human emotions to the point of becoming a cold frigid bitch. Then I met you. The things you did, the words you said... they were perfect. They were also lies.
If you would have told me it was just sex, i would have been fine. We would have had our fun and then we would have went our separate ways. But you didn't. Instead, you dragged me along for your own amusement. And now, instead of being honest with me, you're crushing me. You're crushing my soul, and reminding me of the reasons i don't open up. Reminding me that people don't care, and if you give them this power over you, they will use it to break you. I'm broken.
I've spiraled into my depression. The hurt you've caused has spilled over to my job, where i'm stressed as hell. It has drowned my determination, and i've dropped out of school. 10 weeks before graduation and i'm at square one again. It's plagued the bond that was just starting to form between me and my family. I can no longer stand to talk to them, can't stand to see them, because you've confirmed what they tell me time and time again. That two men can NOT feel that way. That all it will ever be is one sexual encounter after another until you're bored with each other.
All i wanted was the truth. And i deserved the truth. And even now... rather than confronting the feelings you have, one way or the other. You're just leaving me. Leaving me here to sit and ponder, to find my own closure through my own means. But the closure i will find will only be detrimental to myself. No matter how much you hurt me, i'll still blame me. I'll still look at myself in the mirror and KNOW it's because i wasn't cute enough, i wasn't good enough, i just wasn't enough.
And so now, i'll shut myself off to everything. I'll sit here thinking about what i did that was so wrong. And i'll stop calling. I'll even try to stop caring, even though i know it's not possible. And then i'll starve myself, and i'll try to make myself into someone more beautiful so that next time it might be better. so that next time... I might be better.
it's the vicious cycle of my life. | | |
| All I feel is confusion. It's like my mind is slowly being pulled apart and i have to decide which half i get to keep. Do i choose anger or solace? More importantly, afterward, will i have gained the wisdom to let things go, or will i continue to fight for something that will never be mine, something that will only break me. Will this inner struggle lead me back down that road i walked in Minneapolis? The one that is paved with depression, alcohol, a bottle of pills, bad decisions, no decisions. I'd like to think this time I will be able to move on, but maybe this was just that last straw. Maybe this is how life is supposed to be for me. Maybe this part of my life is supposed to stay empty. Or maybe i'm defeated.
ANGER:
I feel as though i'm not worth the effort it would have taken. You weren't willing to even give this a shot. And why? Because you wanted to keep sleeping with him. Because you can't trust yourself. I want you to grow up. I want to know that it will kill you, to wake up one day and realize what you just passed up, what you just pushed away. But i fear it won't. And i want you to look over at him someday and realize that he already had his chance and fucked it up, and that you're just feeding into his game, making what he did ok. And when he drags you back in and you fall back in love, you'll be letting him hurt you again. And when he does, when you feel that pain for a second time, I want you to know that maybe it could have been different. I am angry, i am sad, and i am confused. I want a chance and i deserve a chance. When do i get my turn? When do i get to be the one that's happy? Real happiness, not just a front. I'm upset with you! You tricked me into thinking that maybe i was on my way to that. When you realized that i didn't trust you, didn't trust men, you changed everything, said everything, so i would. And now i'm reminded of why i put up that shield. It hurts me more than anything to think that none of this would matter in the slightest to you. That you will continue living your life as though nothing has changed. Think of me as just another face, just another mouth, just another fuck.
SOLACE:
You've given me a glimpse. Although i don't love you, i have been given the opportunity to see how someone could. I am not upset at him anymore for not wanting to let you go, for still trying to make things right, for continuing to love you. I'm thankful for that short lived feeling of happiness. Thankful for the way i felt each time your name was mentioned, each time i got to hug you, to touch you, each time you smiled at me. I'm grateful for showing me how a family can be. How it feels to be surrounded by people that accept you for who you are. And although i don't understand why, i can find a respect for your decision. I realize that it was your own decision to make, and you have your own reasons. And although things may change in the future, and for some reason you may decide that you'd be willing to give this a go, I've realized that i can't keep waiting for you. Realized that if you come around, it may be too late. And hope that this is a risk you're willing to take. | | |
| FEAR.
I feel good and that's typically a sign that I've slipped back into my delusions. I'll be crushed when reality bites me in the ass.
If you're going to hurt me, please do it soon. | | |
| I'm over-dramatic.
needy.
bitchy.
confused.
I'm a mess.
without direction.
without focus.
without thought.
I'm anger.
angst.
rage.
doom.
I've been wanting to be better...
been wanting it to start with you.
I'm a glutton for punishment.
devastation.
heartache.
pain.
story of my life.
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